Some things change, some things...take longer

Anxiety, especially of the undefined type, sucks the very life force out of me. Mike describes it as a "white-out," like the TV after the national anthem ( sorry, children..you won't remember that one). My habitual solution is staring at a computer screen until the anxiety is masked by shame for not being productive (damn capitalist society!). When I've had enough, I turn to my yoga and meditation practice, which creates space and allows me to take a deep, soul breath (note to self: make this your habitual solution). With enough space, anxiety dissipates, until the next spin of the wheel. And even though I have not yet rid myself of anxiety, I keep practicing because I have seen a statistically significant decline in severity and frequency over the years (sorry, I couldn't resist...once a data geek...).

Sometimes anxiety is attached to something, and sometimes it attaches to whatever I happen to be thinking at the moment, like a blood-sucking leech. Then I'm off down that path assuming there must be something wrong --- with the random thing I happened to be thinking about. My suspicion is it's rooted in pre-verbal consciousness and will never be fully understood. What I do not yet understand is why it travels a never-ending cycle through my psyche. Perhaps it's just part of the human condition, and it's louder in some people than others. Perhaps it begs for attention because there is some important discovery to be made (I get caught here a lot because I have done so-freaking-much internal work over the past 20 years!). Perhaps, at the moment, it's because I'm changing every aspect of my life in 2 months! lol!

The mystery, along with the anxiety, remains. What I DO know is that I must not let its voice rule my life, keep me from exploring the world, or (what happens most of the time) let it lash out at those around me. Those who know me well know Tekeka. I've (mostly) learned to let her carry on like trash in the background, but more often than I would like she whips out a forked tongue at somebody. I wonder if she'll be going to Asia...